Last Night

Last Night Kristi spoke to the RA in A1, not our RA, another one.

Apparently, I'm making her life uncomfortable and have no right to do so because she's so "joyous."

Apparently, I'm pretending to be nice while I'm making snide remarks to her and her boyfriend by offering them food or a movie.

Apparently, I'm being mean because I found her family motto on an Irish site while looking up my own and told it to her.

Apparently, I'm not allowed to speak to Kristi or be in the same room with her until we go in front of Krystal (the head RA) and the council (whatever the hell that this).

Now, I'm still very confused. Since when is offering food or a movie snide? I went through the entire student and housing manuals and nowhere does it say I did anything wrong, so exactly what council are they speaking of? Was the girl even a bloody RA, because she brought her friend with her, and from experiences with our RA, Kevin, that isn't allowed. So basically, I'm in trouble for reasons I don't understand, after I thought we'd gotten everything figured out on Saturday.

I was happy

I was happy. For once I thought that someone actually loved me. I’m not upset because he didn’t. I upset because I deluded myself into thinking it was real, believing for once, saying those words and meaning them. Most of my confidence was wrapped in the comfort that I was lovable; all my worries in the possibility that I wasn’t. You asked me if I’m happy. The answer is no. I’ve slipped back to being the shut down girl from high school. I thought I had made so much progress, but apparently my house of cards was balanced on a single face and now that it’s gone, I’m back to being what I thought had been destroyed. No amount of gaiety or humor will lighten that. I am back to that cold little girl from high school, back to being a b*tch, back to hurting others before they hurt you. Back to not trusting anyone. In all my futures, I see me alone, no children, no family, nothing that can hurt me. No one can hurt something you love if you don’t love anything.