"Jessica!" A gurgle now and Meghan comes up laughing, playfully hitting Patrick on the head. We're swimming beneath the Brooklyn Bridge with John and Patrick. They're 15 and we're 13, only a few weeks away from our 14th birthdays.
"Patrick, don't you dare drown her, or Ah will be forced to find retribution," I call out, turning on my towel to get more sunlight.
"Yea? As if you could do anythin to me."
I lie with my hands on my hips, enjoying the challenge. "Really now?"
"You know Ah'm better than you."
"I wouldn't say that if I were you." John warns, "Your cousin has a nasty temper."
Patrick grins. "Don't I know it. Ah stole her diary and she put sand in my bed."
"Thank you for discussin me as if Ah weren't here." Men. I start fixing the straps on my bikini and take my sunglasses off.
John grins and replies, "You're welcome" My jaw drops as he lifts me off the pier.
"Oh mah god, put me down! If you don't put me down Ah'll use my shot gun on you," My hair whips his legs as it comes out of the dancers' bun.
He smiles. "Ok" I drop into the water screaming and he dives in after me. As I come up for air, he dunks me down again. I punch him in the stomach.
He laughs and calls to Patrick. "Did you teach your cousin how to punch?"
"Hell no, Ah'm not that stupid." Patrick hollers back.
"Good, 'Cause she's hits like a girl."
"Hello? Ah am a girl, yank." Meghan laughs as I shake my head at them and wring out my hair.
He holds up his hands. "Hey now, is that any way to talk to the man who just saved your life?"
I glare at him. And twirl my hair up onto my head. "What are you talkin about? Ah was perfectly fine on the pier, Ah wasn't gonna get hurt or nothin."
"Wrong, you would have died of boredom." He says melodramatically.
As I groan and roll my eyes, he kisses me. I hear a giggle in the background, glance over and see Patrick doing the same to Meghan.
"Well, if that's all you wanted, you could have asked." I mutter. Got my hair wet for nothin.
"Hey John!" Patrick calls, "Don't you think you're a little old for my cousin?"
"Hey Patrick! Don't you think you're a little old for my sister?"
Meghan and I are lying on our mattresses whispering in the room we shared. We know we 're going to marry 'em then, not that we'll tell them that. No, that might mess everything up. We have it planned; dresses, flowers, color scheme, everything.
"We'll have a double wedding," Meghan says.
"We'll wear blue"
"I'll wear Eastern sky blue and you'll wear Arizona sky blue"
"And the bride maids will wear red, lipstick red." This, of course, is my scandalous suggestion.
"And the grooms will wear purple." Meghan rests her chin on her palm and gazes at the wedding we plan.
I giggle, "Ah can't imagine Patrick or John wearin purple."
Meghan giggles too. "How about white?"
"We could have a white tie wedding." I grin thinking of lilies and boat-necks, while she tries to find a color that would look good.
"And the groomsmen will wear gray." She pauses "Do you ever miss your parents?" I shake my head.
"Ah was too young to remember them, they died when Ah was three. Ah've been living with my aunts and uncles since then. Ah don't remember it any other way." She nods and goes to sleep but I stay up and think of my mom and dad's wedding photo. They're so happy, the only memories I have of them. Eventually I see light streaming into the window, and I too go to sleep.
In the summers I miss Meghan so bad. While Pat and I are visiting our Aunt Dottie in South Carolina, Meghan is a yank living in scary New York City.
"Ah don't know how yu could possibly be friends with someone from New Yahrk. Lahrd knows they cain't be trusted." Aunt Dottie says, her mass hidden beneath a red and white polka dotted dress.
"Yes, Aunt Dottie." I pick at my food. I don't really feel like eating.
She looks me over. "Well at least their bad manners haven't rubbed off on you, Jessica, and you don't say 'aunt' like I'm a bug."
"No, Aunt Dottie."
"Finish your grits and eggs, hunay." Pat sits down at the table, barely awake and not even dressed.
"Ah have finished, Aunt Dottie." I say.
"Yu barely touched that plate."
"Ah'm not very hungry." My stomach hurts from crying the night before. Lord, I miss Meghan
"Ah'll finish it" Patrick exclaims reaching for my plate. I glare at him. Isn't he supposed to be missing Meghan more?
"Well at least it won't go ta waste. Though you're gettin as skinny as one of those yank girls, Jessica." She turns to clear the table and pauses. "Didn't yu say yu were datin this blue-coat, Patrick?"
"Yes'm"
"We'll just have to get yu a nahce Southern girl, you'll like them bettah than any North'ner. What about yu, Jessica? Any boy caught your eye?" I blush and mumble something noncommittal.
Pat grins and announces, "She and my girlfriend's brother are goin out." I smack him under the table, Patrick cringes but Aunt Dottie shakes her head.
"Well isn't that nice, we'll be sure to find a nahce Southern gentleman for yu."
It's August, I'm sitting on the bank of the Chattooga. Patrick has gone back to Virginia to start college at JMU. And I'm bored mindless.
"Jessica?'
"Yes, Aunt Dottie?"
"Phone fah yu. Your Yank."
John never calls unless something is wrong, we write letters instead. I pick up the phone and look outside. It's a bright day.
"Hello?" I ask.
"Jade?"
I grin at his pet name for me. "Yea?"
"I need to talk to you."
"You are talkin to me."
"I mean about something important."
"Okay" I sit down on the windowsill. "What do you want to talk about?"
"Something happened." He pauses, I start to freak out
"Is Meghan ok? Is it your mom, your dad, what happened?"
"Calm down, they're fine." I start to breathe regularly again. "I went to a party last night." He pauses.
"Yea so? You're old enough to go to parties without my permission."
"I had sex with a girl." He says in a rush.
"Haha, very funny. Stop kiddin, what's wrong?" What a stupid joke.
"That is."
I stop. "What?"
"I had sex with a girl. I thought you should know."
I'm so shocked start to stutter. 'Y-y-y-y-you had s-s-s-sex with someone? God John. Why?"
"I don't know. It just happened."
"Let me guess she tripped and started ravishin you. Ah'm so sure."
"I wasn't like that. I just felt guilty about you."
"Why would you feel guilty about me?"
"Well when we umm." I can almost see him start to turn red.
"When we had sex?" I prompt him
"Uh, yea. You started bleeding and.."
"Oh, hunay, that's normal. It didn't hurt nothin."
"Maybe but-" I can feel my lip beginning to tremble and I cut him off.
"John, trust me it was fine. Ah have to go but Ah'll write you alright?"
"Yea alright, night." We hang up. He cheated on me. I lean my head against the window and start to cry. Oh god, what happened?
We're standing on Bourbon Street. Meghan, John and their parents have come down to visit N'orleans for Mardi Gras and I'm there for society with my Aunt Dupree. I introduce Taylor to everyone.
"Taylor Callahan, this is David Milner and his wife Rebecca, and their kids Meghan and John." They nod; Taylor looks like he's meeting my parents.
"Nice to meet you, I'm sure you're a fine young man, but I'd like to ask you a few questions." I giggle, David sounds like a cop. They walk off while Meghan and her mother get caught in the shops of N'Orleans.
John turns on me, "Who's he?" He demands.
"A guy I know." Ill-tempered little-
"Your boyfriend?" Serve you right
I glare at him, "Not like it's any of your business." Asshole
"What are you talking about?" He rakes his hands through his hair.
"You hain't talked to me 'cept through your sister since last summer!"
"I had to deal with it." He shrugs.
"Isn't that supposed to be my line?"
"Did you have sex with him too?" He glares me Why do I always go for the assholes?
I throw up my hands and say, "Of course Ah did, and every other guy Ah met on the way, and guess what, they were all much better than you." I'm going to hell for such a lie
"It was a mistake."
Please don't think that "Which one are you thinkin of, you surely did make a mistake"
"I hurt you." He persists Just say you're sorry and it'll be fine
"And Ah'm sure Patrick will hurt Meghan."
"That's no excuse to go to another guy." Telling me what to do again.
"Ah apologize, Ah failed to realize that Ah needed his majesty's permission to do anythin"
"I was stupid." John explains.
"That's right, you were stupid, but if you think that gives you the right to tell me-"
"I can tell you to do whatever I want to tell you to do."
"Not if you expect me to follow it. Ah have every right to leave you. Ah can screw whomever Ah want to screw." He cringes as my voice gets louder attracting attention from the whores in the balconies. "Ah can screw the president for all its your business. Ah'm not some little girl you can control, and Ah'm not an idiot waitin for you to come around. Ah've been waitin since Ah was nine, John Milner, and Ah'm not goin to anymore! He said he loved me. Do you hear that? He loves me, and that's more than you've ever said. So you can find some other girl who'll tag around after you."
Things with Taylor fell through pretty quickly but John and I didn't talk for a year. Meanwhile, Meghan and Patrick were so cute together; holding hands as they walked down the promenade at NYU. I had been sent up north to my cousins in the Finger Lakes and Meghan would spend the weekends up at the lake house. John refused to come up; he and I were still fighting. He was going to join the Marines and though I tried not to, I still pictured my house and kids with John as my husband.
"I'm sorry, Jessica." The doctor says.
"What do you mean?" I'd lost my southern accent in the time I'd spent up north.
"You've punctured your ovary. You might not be able to have kids."
"Might?" I ask.
"Getting pregnant is fairly hard to begin with, with only one ovary functioning properly your chances are cut further. It unlikely that you'll be able to have kids"
"Is there anyway to fix it?" Please, God, let there be a way
"Not yet. Things like this don't happen often." He tries to explain.
Oh lord my pretty babies "Will there ever be?" He shrugs.
I walk out of the doctor's office, go home to my dorm, go to the medicine cabinet get the bottles of Advil, Tylenol, Claritin, and Midol, and make a pill cocktail. I watch my dream box fairy tale break on the floor with bits of glass cutting into my feet. I won't have my 2.2 kids, no reason to have goldfish or a dog or cat; never have a husband; there isn't a man in the world who would marry a woman who couldn't have kids. Meghan calls me as I feel myself drifting in an overdose haze.
"Jessica?"
"Hey Meghan." The cracks on the ceiling tiles become all consuming, there are 59.
"Are you ok?"
"No, not really."
"What's wrong?" I can practically see the worry wrinkle start on her forehead.
"The doctor says I can't have kids
"But what about your watercolor?"
Pretty azaleas run into grass as
"Can't you adopt?" Meghan tries to reassure me, but I never really wanted to adopt.
"Yea, but I always wanted to have kids of my own." A home of my own where azalea bushes frame an emerald lawn
"I know you did." She pauses. "What are you going to do?"
I laugh cynically, "I've made friends with Misters Advil and Tylenol, Mrs. Claritin, and Ms. Midol."
"Why did you do that?" Meghan asks, worried again.
"It was either that or drink myself into an early grave." She starts to talk again but I hang up the phone and stare at the ceiling; count the cracks and holes in each tile, again and again. 57, 58, 59. There are beeps in the background but I can't open my eyes. I just keep counting the number the cracks in each memorized tile above my bed. 55, 56, 57, 58, 59.
John comes to visit me a little while after I wake up, they keep me in overnight to make sure I don't have anything left in my stomach and to make sure I don't try to kill myself again. The stark whiteness of the room makes me focus on his blond hair, his skin is tanner than before.
"Jessica?"
"Hey John." I try to sit up in the bed, and give up when it makes me nauseous.
"Are you ok?"
"You sound exactly like your sister. Sit down."
"Umm ok." He grabs a chair and scoots it up to the edge of my bed.
"I'm fine, John. I have to go to counseling. I get it put on my record that I attempted suicide." Ultimate low, to fuck up so bad, that you mess up killing yourself.
"Why did you let him do this to you?" he sits hunched over, I watch his knuckles turn white before I answer.
"To get back at you for being a cheating asshole." That's not what I meant to say.
He grits his teeth "I'm sorry about that, Jade"
The pet name makes me soften "Forget it, years ago literally."
"I'm still sorry. But why'd you let him hit you?"
"I didn't exactly let him do anything." I cough as I try to laugh Yea me stop Taylor
He stares at me. He looks so old now, when did he get those wrinkles? He's barely 21.
"I love you." He says as he rests his head on my leg
"I know that, John. How else could we mess things up so badly?"
He looks up and says, "I don't know." I lean my head back and close my eyes. I try to say it but the words won't come out.
"Hey John?" I ask.
"Yea?" he squeezes my hand.
"Promise me one thing."
He rests his chin on my leg and says, "What?"
"When I get out of this stupid bed, we'll go to a movie with Meg Ryan or Hugh Grant in it."
He nods against my leg "Ok, Little one."
We're going to see Love Actually with Hugh Grant. It's Christmas time, and the perfect holiday movie has the lovely fairy-tale ending, plus I get to see Hugh dance in his underwear. We're standing outside of the theater where we decided to meet.
"Hey Jess."
"You used to call me Jade once."
"We used to be friends," He says. Cheap shot
"It's a great movie, my friends all loved it." John shakes his head at the change of subject and pays for the tickets.
Afterwards I wait for him to say something.
"It was a cute movie, but definitely a chick flick," He says.
I grin, "It's Hugh Grant, what do you expect?"
He shakes his head and says, "I wish things were that easy"
"They could be," I say hopefully.
"Little one, everyone has baggage, some of its emotional from other relationships, some of its from previous relationships with the same person."
"What we've got here, is a failure to communicate" I grin attempting to make a joke.
He smiles weakly, "What we have here is too much baggage." Please don't
"You're just not gonna even try?"
"Sometimes is just doesn't work."
"And sometimes all it takes for evil to win is for good men to not fight."
"Don't make this more than it was, Jessica"
"Don't make it less than it is, John." You coward, you're not even going to try
"This could end up like Moulin Rouge."
"Or it could end up like When Harry Met Sally, life isn't a movie, John. There isn't any plot you have to stick to. You can make your own decisions and the only decision you're making is to give up."
"I don't know if you can handle a relationship right now."
"Let me worry about what I can or cannot handle. I'm not your little sister to be taken care of and I'm not one of your troops to be ordered around either. I can take care of myself and I can figure out where I want to go, with or without your guidance. I'm a grown woman, John."
John looks up and nods sadly. "You are that, but have you ever been a child?"
John and I are on speaking terms but we've still got things to work through. My Aunt Dupree still wants me to marry Taylor. Aunt Dottie thinks that even if John's a yank, I'm hard-headed enough to not let him push me around.
Patrick is going to get his bachelors in American Literature at NYU this spring. I'm double majoring in theatre and literature at Mary Washington. John had himself stationed at Quantico. Meghan is in for a BA in history at Brooklyn College.
Meghan and Patrick are still together, they'll be getting married soon. Meghan and I won't be having the double wedding we planned and she's decided to go more traditional with a pale pink dress in a Renaissance cut and powder blue bridesmaids. I look horrid in powder blue but I get to be the maid of honor so I'm all right. John, of course, is the best man and still has to wear a gray suit. Though the wedding is several months off various relatives are betting that John gets the garter and I get the bouquet, can't blame them for dreaming.
I still dream of my white picket fence but it doesn't seem to be anywhere in the near future. I changed my decision of dress to a bodice cut with full skirt. I still want the bridesmaids in red and I still want a southern home with white azaleas. But I think I can wait a few more years. John, by the way, doesn't mind adoption.
