Order of the Stick humor

Yea, Though I walk through the valley of Roy being really pissed,
 I shall fear no thwacking,
for my lute and my banjo, the comfort me.

Apparently my house is for sale?

We got a knock on the door. Our next door neighbor was wondering why we were moving and hadn't told him. "We aren't." Kenny pointed to the sign on out lawn, "For Sale- Partners in Real Estate- Working for Buyer and Seller- 703-455-4300" and below it a small sign hanging, "Angela Fleming- 571-331-5042"

So who's house was really for sale? One up the block from us on a different street but the same number as ours. Mr. Lasky. We get his mail all the time.

Haunted

You know that person whom haunts you? Who sticks in your mind with every move. Who causes you to jump for silly reasons? Who took part of your soul without realizing you're now damaged. Who still thinks you are friends, when he can be defined as a rapist? Who is friends with their rapist? You grin and bear as he speaks, this is public and you must be polite, even jovial. He hasn't seen you in a year, doesn't know how you've changed, doesn't know when you're tense beneath the humor.
He is the reason you never got to parties. He is the reason you are thankful for the Iraq War. He is the reason you hope for suicide bombers.
He represents the past you hide from. You grin and laugh and think that your shrink would be so proud of you, but you just want to run. Run far away where he can't find you and will leave you to his ghost haunting.

My Dad got published!

How to make a Square Bowl

It's about wood turning and you have to have been doing it for a while to understand most of whats going on as making a bowl takes lots of practice much les a square one.

Clear Hair Wash

What you need:
2 cup White Wine (Or WW Vinegar)
1 cup water
1 tsp green tea (any junk brand will do, DON'T use black it will stain your hair brown even if only slightly.)
2 tsp honey

1. Whisk honey and White Wine/ WWV into a bowl or mug

2. Bring water to boil & add to Honey/wine mixture

3. Add tea.

4. Let sit for 2 minutes (until water is warm but not hot)

5. Strain Tea.

6. Apply to hair while in shower or bath.

7. Rinse and apply conditioner as normal.



Rinse will help wash away mild dandruff and ease dry scalp as well as stripping greasy oils from hair gently. I recommend doing this at least once a month to get rid of build up from commercial shampoos. Not intended for everyday use, which make cause scalp irritation to the presence of acid. An extra tsp of honey is recommended for those with sensitive scalps to help normalize the PH
as well as moisturize the scalp. White tea is an acceptable though expensive substitute to Green Tea. Apple cider Vinegar can also be substituted in for White Wine/Vinegar

Calliope Acceptance

Dear Dana:
We are pleased to announce that your work, “Streetlamps,” has been selected for inclusion in the 2007 Calliope. We had more than 150 submissions in all categories, so competition has been lively.

We hope that you can come and celebrate with us on April 17 at 12:00 in the forum of the Ernst Community Center. Copies of Calliope will be available, and at that time winners of the top prizes in each category will read from their work. A light lunch will be provided before the ceremony. Please feel free to bring guests to help you celebrate your achievement.

If you cannot attend the awards ceremony, let us know and we’ll be to get a copy of the magazine to you.

Sincerely,

The Editors of Calliope





Permalink to the Issue

Scraps to a Story #3

He felt surrounded and still alone. In a crowd waiting for a religious experience, he waited for anything apart from the monotony of the millions of thoughts that ran through everyone’s mind. What if things would be better without men like his father? Would people be happy? Freer? Would he be? Somehow he thought that even with freedom the loneliness would stay. Absolute anarchy would only separate individuals further. Now he was the only one feeling alone in the crowd perhaps things were better than he thought. Perhaps it really was a phase as everyone supposed. Somehow he doubted it. No matter the governments imposed upon them, people stayed the same. Individuals lost in pretending to be a crowd.

Scraps to a Story #2

He waited. He was always waiting, but today he was waiting with a purpose. A small woman opened the door. “Mr. Davoee will see you now.” He walked through the austere doors to an office he was unfortunately well acquainted with.
“Darrell, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this; your supposed improvements are vague and idealistic.”
“Sir-”
“No.” Davoe cut him off. “Yes, we want to stop poverty and hunger, but we won’t bankrupt ourselves doing it. Come back to me when you have a plausible idea.” Davoe paused. “Your father wishes to speak with you.”
“Did you speak with him about what I proposed?” Darrell asked. Davoe looked surprised.
“Of course not. I wouldn’t waste the Minister’s time with this.”
“I suppose I should thank you for that.” Davoe sighed.
“Darrell, I understand that you want to help fix things and that is a wonderful thing. You’re a good under-secretary, but miracle solutions won’t work. Maybe you should edit your plan to account for an agricultural decline instead of boom. One should never count on things being better.” Davoe sighed. “Now, it’s getting late. Go have tea with your father or whatever he wants this time.”
“Yes, Sir.” Tea with dear old dad was not what Darrell had planned for tonight, but if tea would get things over with more quickly maybe he would be left alone for another week.
***
Shanti waited for instructions. She knew she was on a suicide mission. She knew she would die. She knew they would rejoice, despite what the Nath had told her.
“You will be a tea maid for the Minister. When the time is right, you will kill him.” He had said.
“How should he be killed, Nath?”
“So the people know he was vulnerable.”
And so she waited. “You, Shanti, where are your clothes?”
“I have not yet received today’s colors, madam.”
“The seamstress’s are being slow today. You and Abreal are similar sizes, yes?”
“Yes, madam.”
“Borrow her blue and silver veiled gown, she will wear the red and orange.” Madam Bishon clapped her hands. “Girls! There are no colors today. Everyone wear a nice gown and try not to clash. ”
“Yes, madam,” they said and went busily back to work.
“Anyway, Shanti, welcome to the tea service, this is a nice step from soup maid, yes? Yes. Good luck, I know you’ll do great.”
After the flurry of colors and lining up, she waited more. Now she waited with anticipation; nervous, anxious.

***
Darrell walked into the tea room and sat down.
“Hello, Father. I trust you’re doing well.”
“Well enough. I hear your fiancé left.”
Darrell gritted his teeth. “You didn’t have anything to do with that, did you?”
“Of course not. However, I have found some girls you might find-“
“Father!”
The Minister raised his eyebrow. “I am attempting to help you.”
“I don’t need help.”
“Then stop acting like a child.”
The tea maids came into the room. Darrell looked up. “What, Father, no color scheme today?”
“I thought we would be casual. This is the eve of Banesh-Baylal.”
“Yes, let’s be casual, should we put up a tree with sparkles? I’m told they used to do that.”
“Just because our predecessors were wasteful does not mean we cut down trees for a celebration that needs no such extravagance.”
Darrell looked guiltily away. “May I ask why I am here?”
The Minister set down his teacup. “I have been informed by a reliable source that there will be an assassination attempt upon myself or another high ranking member of the Bayli at the Banesh-Baylal ceremonies tomorrow. I, of course, must appear.”
“What do I have to do with this?” Darrell asked.
“You are good at making friends with the wrong people. All you need to do is be yourself and be with me tomorrow.” The last group of tea maids appeared to remove the tray and dishes and left in a flurry of color.
***
She hadn’t been able to do it. She couldn’t poison the father with his son there. That would be cruel. Shanti stripped her borrowed gown and hung it for the cleaners.
“Shanti, Abreal, Kelia. Pick amongst yourselves who will serve the Minister tonight.”
Shanti looked up. “What does she mean by that?”
Abreal looked over her shoulder. “Oh don’t worry about it. The minister just needs someone to fix his coffee or tea maybe some cookies between dinner and going to bed. You get paid the extra hours. It’s a pretty easy job.”
A tall blond girl ran over to them. “Hey, I’m sorry but I really can’t work tonight, I have a date.”
Abreal grinned. “What his name?”
The blond grinned back. “Jacob. So please, can one of you grab tonight? I’ll make it upto you, I promise.”
Shani smiled. “Sure.”
“Thanks.” The blond said and rushed off.
“Abreal, do you think I’m ready to do tonight shift?”
“Oh yea sure. I told you it was easy. Why don’t you grab tonight and if you need any help, you call me, alright?”

Scraps to a Story #1

The coolant for the engine was running low. Five months from their destination, if the engine was shut off, inertia would carry them only until they were caught in the gravitational pull of an unknown black dwarf sun. The crew had already staked so much on this early colony, knowing that they would be preceded by others with light speed capability but from decades ahead of them. They would at best be anachronistic but to never arrive in Solar System B85A40, home of a steady but young Class A star, was a frightening thought. Coolant must be conserved. Though a simple heavy water compound, the ship was built as a passenger carrier without a functional lab past medical emergencies. The trip had already taken more time than expected. Under a new provisional government the former North-American Alliance had disassembled the Center for Aeronautic and Astronomic Research, earlier known as the American NASA, delays had been handled poorly and the collapse of the EU had made hard money for research nearly impossible to obtain. The simple matter was that Earth was starving. They would have to make due with the coolant they had.

Wake Up Little Sushi

Wake Up Little Sushi

Wake up, little sushi, wake up!
Wake up, little sushi, wake up!
Well I went out to eat,
wake up little sushi and weep.
The dinner's coming, I'm hungry lots,
and you're what I will eat.
Wake up, little sushi
Wake up, little sushi, well

When will I get the Saba
When will I get the Tai
When will I get Tempura
Oh my my my
Wake up, little sushi
Wake up, little sushi

When I see Hamachi coming my way
Sushi, baby, looks like you saved my day
Wake up little sushi,
wake up little sushi! I want Maguro.

Wake up, little sushi, wake up!
Wake up, little sushi, wake up!
The wasabi, it was so hot,
I got my own tea pot
I got Kani and Amaebi and
even Ikura
Wake up, little sushi
Wake up, little sushi

When will I get the Saba
When will I get the Tai
When will I get Tempura
Oh my my my
Wake up, little sushi
Wake up, little sushi
Wake up, little sushi