A Bit Too Much Sharing

I am a victim of rape but you will not find my name in a police report, and three months later, I lost my virginity to a man I thought I loved.

It is the one thing i have never forgiven someone for, because he was the first one who did it.

His was not the physical rape that I would find out about later with the afore mentioned love of my life, his was the crawl into my bed while sleeping off the rum he slipped in large quantities into the flat coke he served me when I came in. He was the kiss even when I begged him to stop, because his girlfriend was downstairs and my arms weren't working right. His was the peel off my pants as I tried to keep them up but my fingers couldn't grasp properly and his was the lay on top of me only to find that he was too drunk to perform.

He doesn't think he did anything wrong, and I prayed that he would get sent to Iraq and die. His was the harshest betrayal because, at 17, I thought I could trust him, because he was dating one of my friends and she was more than willing so why would he even need me.

But he didn't go to Iraq, didn't get killed and I see him sometimes on campus, on my friend's pages when he posts a comment, or in stores when I visit my friends in the western part of the county.

His not-rape was more damaging than my actual rape, and my heart still seizes when i see him and i want to run away so far that i run into the pacific ocean. But instead when he walks past I duck my head and pray he never realizes we go to the same school still.